Avery and the Junk Drawer

After dessert, Jack, Rodney, Stan and I retreated to the back porch for drinks. Over the next few hours, I learned a lot about their family, particularly the acrimonious breakup of Jack’s parents. Seemingly out of the blue, Rodney came home one day and told his wife that he was gay. With few other words, he packed his bags and left her for a flight attendant named Stanley.

I suddenly realized that the chilly reception I received from Jack’s mom had nothing to do with me. There was not a doubt in my mind that Jack’s announcement of, “Hi, mom, I’m gay and this is my boyfriend—See you later!” brought back many unhealed memories of her failed marriage. Poor woman. Poor, poorly dressed woman.

Having long aged out of his twinky-stewardess phase, Stan had moved on to a new career. He gushed when he learned that I was a nurse, because he too now worked in medicine.

“You’re a nurse?” he asked with a wild bewilderment usually reserved for those about 25 years younger than he.

“Yes,” I said proudly, “a pediatric nurse.” (Jasper swears that I think I was Julia in a former life)

“How exciting,” he squealed, “I’m a medical professional as well. I’m a phlebotomist.” His diction was so perfect you’d think he’d just announced his role as Surgeon General of the United States.

“What’s that?” Jack asked. Why are the cute ones never bright? After explaining that his job is to draw blood, Stan and I discovered that we both worked at the same hospital.

“Maybe I’ll see you on the battlefield, soldier,” he enthusiastically said to me. I doubt it. But it’s a nice sentiment all the same.

By the end of the evening, I’d had too many drinks to consider driving. Rodney invited Jack and I should spend the night. As Jack and I crawled into the living room sofa bed. Rodney and Stan stood in the doorway like too proud parents.

“Good night,” one of them said. “Lubeand condoms are in the kitchen junk draw. Just don’t make too much noise. The neighbors’ll complain.” Huh? And with that, Jack’s fathers turned out the foyer light and retreated to their bedroom.

“Do you like my parents?” Jack asked earnestly. I didn’t know what to think.

“I love them,” I fibbed

“Good,” Jack said, taking me in his arms. “Can’t wait for you to meet my sister. Maybe tomorrow?”

Jack quickly fell into a deep and peaceful sleep. I, however, spent the next hour staring at the ceiling, asking myself over and over again, “What have I gotten myself into?”

Avery Would Like a Manwich, Please

Not to be a snob—shut up, Jasper—but I may have overshot when it came to my contribution to the evening’s pot luck. I’d purchased a smorgasbord of gourmet desserts from Whole Foods Market—tarts, cookies, and other delectable bite-sized delights. In an effort to give a more formal presentation, I plated the treats on a sterling silver service “borrowed” during a visit to my parents’ home in Oak Brook.

Rodney politely smiled and led Jack and me to the dining table. Stanley headed for the kitchen, sterling service in hand. He returned with two platters-full of the evening’s entrée: Sloppy Joes. That’s right. You heard me correctly. And in what I can only assume was an effort to ensure a well-balanced meal, French fries were served on the side. Not a vegetable in sight.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I hadn’t had a Manwich since I was about 10 years old. Even in that instance, it was only because my mother left me with a teenaged sitter who was more occupied with telephoning her boyfriend than my nutritional health. But who am I to judge.
Rodney politely smiled and led Jack and me to the dining table. Stanley headed for the kitchen, sterling service in hand. He returned with two platters-full of the evening’s entrée: Sloppy Joes. That’s right. You heard me correctly. And in what I can only assume was an effort to ensure a well-balanced meal, French fries were served on the side. Not a vegetable in sight.

“Dig in,” proclaimed Rodney.

I looked at my Sloppy Joe which was presented on Chinet atop an orange polyester table cloth. Oh well, I said to myself, When in Rome… or in this case, Milwaukee, circa 1972. I took a bite. OMG. Who knew that loose meat could taste so heavenly? A smile crept across my face. Jack smiled at me in turn.

As I continued to enjoy my Joe, I pondered the idea that these people could potentially become my in-laws. Sure the fashion was awful, the décor hideous and the artery-clogging gastronomical selection lethal, but—save for the awkward introduction between the mother and me—everyone seemed pretty nice. Furthermore Rodney and Stanley—who, it turns out is a retired flight attended (hold all jokes please, more about this tidbit of information later), were both extremely welcoming.

Just as I began to think I could really be at home there, the dinner conversation started. ¿Como se dice, WTF?

Avery Sees That Life is a Frolic and Laughter is Calling

The sun was still shining as I parallel parked in front of the brick three flat. The ride to Jack’s dad’s in Irving Park had been the longest I’d ever taken. Still shaken by my awkward introduction meeting of his mother, I didn’t have anything to say. Jack and I barely uttered two words to one another.

Avery Searches for a Bloody Mary

Step one of my New York mea culpa was let Jack know exactly how committed I was to mending and fortifying our relationship. Jasper and I immediately sprang into action the morning after my arrival. Well, not immediately.

Following the previous night’s wine binge, Jasper and I woke with awful hangovers. Jasper’s husband Robert, who makes the best red snappers in the universe, had already left for his office. We were forced to fend for ourselves. After multiple false starts and four cups of coffee, we managed to dress and leave the apartment.

Avery Meets His Neighbors

How could my doctor be so stupid? His missing license number was the only thing standing between mental piece of mind and me. I sighed, resigning to the fact that I would have to wait another day to get my Xanax prescription refilled. After purchasing a large bottle of Advil— a consolation prize of sorts—, I made the disappointing journey home.

Avery Visits the Grand Duchy of Wal-Martia

I can only imagine what this woman, Jack’s mother, must have been thinking as we stared into each other’s eyes. Only moments had passed since Jack came out of the closet and announced me as his boyfriend. Ironically, she dressed as though she should be the one coming out of the closet. In addition to her stonewashed jeans and Walmart button-down, Jack’s mother sported a store-bought perm that was poorly died a still unidentified shade of light brown. I must’ve looked like an alien to her. An impeccably dressed, well-coiffed, gay alien who’d come to steal her child.

Avery’s Beautiful Laundrette

As I said before, Jack is younger than I. When we met, he was a college student home for summer break. We became inseparable after taking in that first movie. A week later, he invited me to dinner at his father’s home. I know. We moved really fast.